Bedpig
-Aggie
Newsblog for the webcomic artist, Aggie Janicot
Observations of the week:
1) people stink
2) people who stink normally don't improve
3) people who stink don't mind spreading their stink on to you.
Edit: Many of you know I work in arts education. I try not to talk a lot about it here, because quite frankly-- it's damn depressing. This last week all those little statistics you read about came home to me. Childhelp.org says that 12 out of 1000 children are abused... so 1.2 out of every 100. I have pushing 400 kids in my school. That means about 5 are abused. I believe it.
If you look at mental illness, Wikipedia tells us that mental illness is pretty prevalent. So add another 3 to 10 out of 100 who are bonkers and need help.
So every week, I see 30 kids who are a challenge. I've got three autistics, one lays on the floor and throws fits and screams, a handful of seriously ADD/ADHD children, one of which has a poop fetish. I have two who have sexually abused a younger sibling and are being investigated by the police. I have several with parents in jail for drugs who have been neglected. I have two who are so aggressive and violent that they are constantly in the office for threats or confrontations.
I wasn't trained to be a therapist- and some times the stress of it all is overwhelming. I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad.
-Aggie


Labels: America, politics, religious right, southern heritage



Labels: bitching, government, minifarm, tightwad

"In December 1996, Emmons told her hometown newspaper, the Frontiersman, that Palin three times asked her -- starting before she was sworn in -- about possibly removing objectionable books from the library if the need arose."
At first, it seemed like a great idea. Her in-laws seemed supportive and were willing to help them out some. They helped them find an apartment, get employment and started spending time with their young grandson.
Recently I got a disturbing message from her that he's been hospitalized for mental issues. She's been trying to leave him. Too poor and without her own stable income to file for divorce, she has been saddled with him yet again. His family has become less supportive, I think in some hope that she will take care of him so they don't have to.
I often wonder why so many really good people surround themselves with these horribly abusive, mentally ill or co-dependent people. “Co-dependency” was such a buzzword ten years back, but I think there is still great value in the concept.
Dependency and co-dependency are hard situations to break yourself from. You always hear about people who break their dependencies on drugs or alcohol and we applaud them for their efforts. What we often do not hear about is emotional dependency and financial dependency and it's ugly big brother codependency. I'm afraid the system does not reward those who are brave enough to break out of it.
No one wants to admit that their loved one is emotionally dependent or codependent and addicted to another person for survival. In my friend's case, few are going to pat her on the back when she gets this blood sucking leech off her except maybe me. What she will hear is the “it's such a shame your marriage didn't work out” or “I wish you guys could have worked it out” or the ever popular “maybe if you had been a better wife, maybe he would have been a better husband”.
The mentally ill are quite charming people, especially the bipolar ones and manic depressives. When on a “high” cycle they are energetic, inventive and delightful. You can't help but fall for them. Then when they crash, they generally mope around and it's not that big of a deal until you want to leave them. In my friend's case, she left and he went off his rocker so bad he's hospitalized. What exactly can she do? This is his first time of really proving himself a danger to himself or society. Even though she and I have known for years he's an emotionally abusive and physically abusive cad, he's never been arrested for assault. Nothing is documented. It's now a case of he-said-she-said, and if she tries expose his past abuse, she'll likely be accused of making it up in front of the divorce judge.
What in the world do you do in a situation like this?
Realize that you have been in a situation of emotional abuse and it's okay to leave it. Forgive yourself for making mistakes-- don't kick yourself in the butt for staying so long. You are a worthy person.
Plan for when it's best for you to get out. It may not be today, but it may be next year or four years. Do you need an education? Do you need a job? Enough money saved up to get out? Figure out what is best for you.
Set your goals and stick to them. You are the only stable thing in your life. Don't let their instability keep you from your goals.
Keep an accurate journal of all occurrences, witnesses and proof. You never know when it may come in handy. I used to write in spiral bound notebooks that were locked away, but I've known others who have secret journals kept on private blogs. I also know that over time, abusive people try to convince you that things that happened in the past were viewed incorrectly by you. You may begin to doubt yourself because you forget little details. Having everything written down helps you remember all the little details.
Keep copies of your important documents somewhere safe. If you ever do need to leave quickly to save your own life, you'll need copies of your banks accounts, credit cards, drivers license etc.
Get a line of credit in your own name and keep it up to date. It will help you improve your own credit score and you never know when you may need it to eat on, get an emergency hotel, or gas to escape. If you don't have a private checking account, get one. The abuser cannot get to your personal earnings and savings that way.
Make sure that things you pay for, you have your name on. Nothing sucks more than making car payments, then finding out later the title was in their name only. If you take that car very far, they can accuse you of grand theft. It also sucks to try and kick someone out of your apartment or home, only to find out that it's all in their name. Be sure of what you own and don't own, the rights and responsibilities for each.
Talk to a lawyer about your other legal rights, or at least do a lot of research online.
Talk to a therapist. Your abusive person may not want you to because they fear you telling all the dirty secrets to them, but this is something you need for your own mental health. Understand that a therapist isn't there to fix you. That's not their job. What they do is ask you lots of questions and let you come to your own conclusions. They will help you find your own answers. The other thing great about a therapist? They aren't family or friends who will try to influence you or gossip. A therapist is bound by confidentiality laws.
Know what your insurance benefits are. This is important if your abuser is the sponsor and you are the beneficiary. Can they get you off their insurance with a simple phone call? Or must they show divorce papers?
Accept that your abusive person's family may or may not support you when you leave. Often they know that person is abusive and they are hoping you will keep on supporting them so they don't have to take any responsibility in it. If there are children involved, understand they may or may not help with the children at all.
Understand that it may get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Abusive people often go off the deep end when you leave. They try getting you back with guilt trips, emotional manipulation, violence, threats or finances. If children are involved, they may try to use the kids too. Be prepared for anything and plan accordingly.
Find out what would happen if you took you and your children out of state. One friend of mine was physically abused and she took her two children out of state. The husband called the cops and had her arrested for kidnapping. She had not notified any family or friends where she was going. That was a big mistake. If she had notified her family first, told the cops where she was going, went to a domestic abuse shelter, or asked a lawyer about it first, she might not be paying a huge amount of child support to children she are not allowed to see until they turn 18.
Understand that you cannot ask for child support in most states until you file for separation and/or divorce. You must have a temporary hearing for the judge to award the child support payment. If you are counting on child support to help pay for you and your children, think again. If they quit their jobs in protest, refuse to work, or do something equally as ridiculous, you can't get water out of a stone. Child support is determined according to their income, your income, the number of days spent with the mother, the number of days spent with the father. A man making minimum wage may only have to pay 150 to 200 a month. That's not even enough to cover the cost of school lunches for a month, medical co-pays and some groceries.
The only way for a “free” or so called “cheap” divorce is for both of you to agree on everything and sign without use of a lawyer. Abusive people will NOT sign easily. Most divorces will cost 1500.00 to 2000.00 per person upfront, paid as a retaining fee to your lawyer.
Network. The best thing you can do is make your own circle of friends and family. Abusive people often limit you to their friends, their family, their coworkers-- things they can control. You should always have your own friends, networks and support systems that they have NOTHING to do with.
When it's all over and done with... try not to get into that same situation again. Statistics show that abused people often fall back into familiar territory because it's what they've always known. Make new goals for yourself and stick to them. You're worthy and deserve great things.
Labels: divorce, emotional abuse, goals, mental illness, self improvement
After watching way too many episodes this weekend of Primal Grill, I decided it was time to expand the patio line up. I've never owned a charcoal smoker.. never even really considered it seriously. Some of the homesteading books I have talk a lot about smoking hides and smoking hams and they show these small shacks known as smoke houses. Being a Yankee in the South... I'll admit... I've been a bit confused until now.Herbs and seasonings: they can make a cheap cut of meat worthwhile. There are some neat tricks though--- get yourself a good cookbook or look it up on the web. Recently I found five or six recipes for garam masala... and since the stuff is near four dollars at Kroger for a small glass bottle, making it yourself from scratch will save a bunch. It's not as complicated as I thought.
Shoes: If you're on your feet a lot, get the best you can afford. Your back and legs will thank you.
Sheets: Nothing sucks more than washing your cheap sheets for the first time and they come out of the wash with pills (little lint balls that then turn to sandpaper on your skin). That happened to me and I will never buy cheap crappy sheets again. I'm also a total bedpig. I possibly spend more time in my sheets than I do in jeans.
I remember my great grandmother's linen/cotton sheets and pillow cases lasting 20+ years because they were rotated, washed and sun dried. Body oils and bacteria will actually ruin the organic fibers of your sheets, so wash often.
Perfume: My 15 year old bottles of high end perfumes smell as wonderful today as they did when I first got them. Sadly, my 3 year old bottles of cologne have not fared as well. Perfume is made with oil where as cologne is alcohol based. If you go through cologne like crazy, then buy it instead of perfume as you will go through it before it ever turns rank.. but if you're like me and you only use perfumes on occasion-- get the good stuff. You won't be throwing it out.
Art supplies: that is a whole discussion in itself. I suggest getting the The Artist Handbook of Materials and Techniques by Ralph Mayer. He goes into the chemical compositions of all art supplies and discusses archival qualities. There are reasons Renaissance art is lasting 500 years, and yet Victorian era paintings are disintegrating right before our eyes in the museums.
Sex Toys: no explanation needed.
Hard Flooring: you'll almost always get your investment returned on ceramic tile, marble and hardwoods. Where you can save money is by learning to install it yourself. Classics are classics for a reason.
Faucets: nothing sucks more than faucets that leak. They get hard daily abuse, buy something durable. Goes along with the kitchen sink too. I prefer stainless over porcelain. To save money, you can often find stainless sinks in places like Habitat for Humanity's "Restore"... a thrift store for construction goods. Garage and yard sales are a great place too. As for faucets: Moen and Delta all sell replacement parts at Lowes and Home Depot. Even if you get a used Delta from a garage sale, the replacement parts are cheap and worthwhile.
Wool rugs: not only do real wool rugs and carpet keep from showing hard wear, many become collectible art. My 15 year old 100% wool prayer rug in my dining room looks like brand new. Sadly, my less than 18 month old carpet in my living room already shows traffic patterns. Here in a few years, I'll chuck it, put down hardwood, and try to find a large wool hand woven. Check estate sales- 50 and 60 year rugs just need a car wash, some woolite and a week in the sunshine to dry.
Jewelry: Get a few, really really good pieces that you will be proud to wear the rest of your life and then pass on to others. I never buy costume jewelry anymore. It's horribly trendy and almost always turns my skin green anyway. A good pair of gold hoops, a few nice colored gem rings (one pastel, one bolder color and one neutral) will get you through all of your wardrobe. Currently my favorites include a diamond cocktail ring I got from Walmart on deep discount after Mother's day. It was originally 450.00 and I got it for 125.00. My garnet ring was also from Walmart, heavily discounted after January. I have a kunzite ring and an aquamarine ring on days I wear pinks or pastels (bought from estate sales). Cubic Zirconia post earrings are a must. I always seem to lose earrings, so I never buy the real thing. I do get nice settings though. A well crafted setting makes everyone believe the CZ is real and not fake. As for watches, I am hell on them, so I have to buy something durable. I like to pick two toned styles (with both gold and silver) so that it will match everything. I never buy watches with diamonds around the face. They look grandmotherly to me, and I would loathe replacing a lost stone.
Appliances: I like to purchase the best I can afford, but in the plainest model. I don't need fancy bells, whistles and timers. What I do need is quality that will last. My last stove prior to this halogen one, I had to repair a few times in the back when the wire would burn at the element attachment point. The timers, dials and clock never seemed to work right either, and the heat was always uneven. I wasted a ton in burned food. My new stove is as plain as it gets with only a basic count down timer, but it's very even and has fantastic consistency. That matters most. Small appliances can bite the big one. They never seem to last no matter what the brand or quality. You only need a few anyway: a 110v slow cooker, a 110v convection oven (uses less electricity than that 220v monster), an Oster Kitchen Center (they stopped making these a while back but you can still find them used on eBay-- they do it all) a coffee maker and a toaster. Everything else is just laziness. Sorry.. but I think the George Foreman Grill is hideous. Grill= fire...and there is no fire in a George Foreman grill. It's a f*%king SANDWICH MAKER with a disgusting Dupont chemical fest non-stick coating that kills birds.... which leads to lastly--
Organic metal pots and pans. A good stainless steel or cast iron pan is a lovely thing.